In my youth I was very interested in ideas. Had I known it at the time, I was interested in philosophical questions: How can I know that I know something? How can I be sure what is real and what is not? I read a book by S. I. Hayakawa called Language in Thought and Action. In it he spends considerable time discussing the fact that our models of reality are not themselves reality. As he put it, “The map is not the territory.”
This got me thinking about other fundamental inequalities that could help me keep my thoughts clear. I came up with a list. I kept this list with me for years and referred to it often, but I lost it decades ago. I’m not sure how I came to think of it again, but here it is along with a brief explanation of each item.
- The map is not the territory
- Different is not better or worse
- Love is not coercive
- Dignity is not pride.
The map is not the territory reminds me that no matter how accurate I think my model of reality is, it is still a model. It abstracts some information and ignores other information. It is only good to the extent that it fulfills the purpose for which it was designed. It may provide unintended insights into reality, but such insights need to be considered suspect until they are verified in other ways. Above all, I should not expect other people using different maps of the same reality to have the same views about what is important or trivial.
Different is not better or worse reminds me that differences in characteristics do not imply differences in value. You can differ from me without being better or worse than me. If your behavior strikes me as something I would never do (because of my moral superiority), it is because of a failure in my own imagination, not because you have actually become inhuman. The seeds of evil lie within us all only awaiting the right conditions to sprout and grow. Instead of judgment, I can offer empathy and kindness. I can reserve judgment until later or even leave it up to God, since I have no authority to judge others.
Love is not coercive reminds me that the very foundation of love is an acknowledgement of the agency of the beloved. If you love someone, you will treat their choices with respect even when they seem to you self-destructive. You will not cajole, manipulate, or extort agreement from them. You will not make them do what they ought. Of course, young humans who are still learning about the world and how to exercise choice responsibly will need a certain amount of coercion to keep them safe as they develop, but even children (especially children!) need age-appropriate respect for their agency. Without it, they will rebel.
Dignity is not pride reminds me that everyone craves basic respect and has needs that must be satisfied for them to thrive. It can be easy to mistake the drive to meet those needs for selfishness or a kind of “me first” ethos. Unmet needs clamor for attention, and people can become less careful about how they treat others when they have unmet needs of their own. Pride, however, is heedless of others and always prioritizes self. The proud person assumes that they are right and that their own judgments about everything are good.
These inequalities have helped me navigate my life. I haven’t always remembered them or explicitly considered them, but they have formed the bedrock of my life and thinking even when I have forgotten them. They are fundamental to how I think about my relationships with other people, including my wife and children and grandchildren.